A Rough Start

Yesterday had a rough start. She woke up and took a shower and put on all clean clothes, and even put in her hearing aids. When I got up, she'd gotten ready to go, made coffee, and was singing to all the woodland creatures who have started coming to visit in the mornings. And then it got sad.

She was looking for her keys when I walked in. She couldn't find them. Frustrated. She looked for her purse and money. Found the purse, no money. More frustrated. Then she remembered she can't drive and M has control of her money. She started slamming things down and crying. (In case you're wondering, this is torture to watch.) She was sobbing. "I have no money and that damn doctor said I can't drive and all I wanted is to go to the store to get one of those...those...round things with fruit....the..... [I supplied 'Danish'] Yes! Danish! That's all I want at the store, but I can't go to the store because I can't drive and I don't have any money and....and......and....." Sobbing. I wanted to crawl into a hole.

It was like a little girl who had put on a pretty dress because she thought she was going to get to go somewhere and then this big mean man came in and said no and smashed all her hopes and dreams in one fell swoop. Her response was crushing. All I could do was put my hand on her back while she cried. (The book I read said touch is really important to them. She responds well to this.)

I did tell her I'd take her to the store to get a Danish, if she wanted. She said no, thanks, you have work to do. I would have taken her, but...do I indulge her every whim? I was torn between the guilt of what I was seeing, and knowing I have the ability to take her to the store, but I haven't gotten any work done in the last three days and really needed to work, and taking her to the store is usually a long ordeal. I wasn't feeling patient enough to go to the store, especially with work hanging over my head. Besides, I don't think it was actually about going to the store. I think it was this frustration and helplessness that is now her life. This morning, I'm still struggling with the guilt of not taking her, even though I know she's forgotten it.

I did write her a note about going to R1's for dinner, and that seemed to distract her enough and point her forward. Distraction is key.